The Art of Beating Up Bad Guys

ART 2:  FORM A UNIT (OR FLY SOLO)

If you want to survive a trip to the middle school slop-line without having a plate of spaghetti flung in your face, remember: always bring back up to the lunch line. Cue cinematic demonstration.

 

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Talk about your all-time backfire! Well, it just goes to show: a big heart and a lightning scissor-kick go only so far. Your teammate must bring the thunder (like a mean Trapperkeeper Sleeper). If all he does is flop his meatballs on the lunch lady, drop him…

Step 1. Avoid the weak.

Your life in Middle School will be short and flooded with swirlies if you spend it alone. But it’ll be even shorter, and wetter, if you latch onto dead weight.

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A more personal example: Pat transferred into my seventh grade class this year. I liked him, but he was geeky, short, and super chubby; he had target written all over his ass. Pat was a high risk for bringing on collateral damage.

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EQUIPMENT NOTE: to avoid guys like Pat, it’s good to have a speed-lock on your BMX.

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PITFALLS: AVOIDING THE WEAK CAN BE HARD. Pat kept trying to buddy-up. He even invited me over to watch ROADHOUSE. A temping lure, but this fish wasn’t getting hooked. Listen to this ode to a middle school dude crush.

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There is one exception to the Avoid The Weak Rule: when confronted with an example of bullying in the first degree you must engage a bully to save a dork’s skin.

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3rd Degree: Name calling (unless it’s really, really funny), standing a date up at a class dance, ruining a photo by standing behind a victim and making a personalized gesture you’ve learned about in sex ed.

2nd Degree: Facebook Jabs, Stealing Twinkies, Fat jokes when clearly the person is on a diet.

1st Degree: anything that leaves a mark or tears the undies.

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THE MILE HIGH WEDGIE INCIDENT

While biking past the neighborhood playground (don’t ask why I was even close), I saw Pat on top of the slide and the notorious bully Mitch Reynolds sneaking out of the woods and up the ladder behind Pat. This didn’t look good

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IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: Know the rules.

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Back to THE INCIDENT….

Pat started to race down to the bottom of the slide when his underpants were yanked towards the heavens with the thrust of the Russian made Soyuz rocket.

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Notice: not only did Pat’s undies tear, but they’re purple… Talk about begging for it.

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Buzz cut gleaming in the sun like a Lion’s mullet; Mitch tossed Pat into a pile of synthetic mulch.

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Pad had just gotten a wedgie like no other, and from the looks of it there was more to come.

This was clearly an exception to the Avoid The Weak Rule. BUT….

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I had to ask myself, did I have the berries required to help Pat….??? And did I have the right ammo?

Well, there’s only one way to find out

3: Form a Unit (Or Fly Solo)

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