SURVIVING THE MIDDLE SCHOOL JUNGLE, AN INTRODUCTION TO THE ART OF BEAITNG UP BAD GUYS
It’s a kill or be-killed world.
Middle School is more dangerous than prison. Prisons at least have guards; we have lunchroom monitors… Please.
In the Middle School jungle you can never let down your guard.
And if you think you’re safe when you’re outside school walls, I see an ass-whipping in your future.
I learned about the perils of the outside world the hard way. At the State Fair last summer…
A pack of mega-d-bags jumped me behind the Tilt-a-Whirl.
One douche even loogied in my hair after he bloodied my nose.
Humiliating as it was, the whoopin’ opened my eyes.
Then a fat kid named Pat offered me popcorn and a hand.
But heroes don’t eat cheddar corn and don’t take no help.
I spent the next 9 months in training, turning Mads Villanski (me: a 7th grade puss) into someone who can take care of himself, like Jean-Claude Van Damme (in early works, when he had a mullet).
The Art of Beating Up Bad Guys is the result of my extensive training, research, and practice. I’ve been employing my tactics with success (varying degrees). Now I am sharing my life’s work with you.
DISCLAIMER: by following these arts, you may earn a set of mugshots, wind up doing some community service, or simply piss off your parents—BUT you’ll never find yourself on the wrong side of a fat, hairy fist ever again.