The Art of Beating Up Bad Guys


ART 4: The Quick Pack-Mate Test

If you’re capable of kicking ass and unleashing cheap Chinese fireworks at bullies, people will want to join forces with you. Before putting anyone on the official team roster, it is vital to make sure your little helper isn’t a sheep in disguise.


What is a PMT? A pack-mate test is a scientifically proven, analytical tool designed to assess the strengths and weaknesses of a potential ally in the vicious middle school theater of combat (or any free-for-all).


The results of my PMT are 100% accurate and accepted in any court in the US and the 33 member nations of NATO.


Recently, I had cause to run a quick PMT when Pat (who I previously wrote off as another spineless middle schooler) surprised me by revealing his blood-thirst for revenge.

Was it wise for me to team up with him? Only one way to find out…


Official PMT log. Subject: Pat.

PMT Score: -1616 target points. Conclusion: Pat fails PMT big time.


BUT there’s only so much you can learn about a person on paper. For me, I’ve got to look into your soul. And I saw…


Potential (and an inner maniac that obviously doesn’t have time to blow his nose).

TAKE AWAY: run the numbers, but sometimes you gotta skip the quant and go operational.


Take a candidate into the field and see how he performs. To put it simply, when it comes to servin’ up revenge, I’m like the Dean of Le Cordon Bleu and now I wanted Pat as my sous chef.

Time to leave the test kitchen and see what the judges think of our tasty little dish

5: The Quick Pack-Mate Test