The Art of Beating Up Bad Guys


Militarize Me

I’m not going into battle with this! I’ll get my ass kicked. This should at least settle the debate about poodles once and for all, and the next time Ninja Pat asks me to train his “Fancy” dog, I’m gonna wrap his head in with a ratchet. We need to find Cujo and we need to find him fast — the K9 Academy needs a pupil who can sick balls! -Mads [Tweet me at @BeatingBadGuys if you know any good four legged friends who kick ass].



FIGHT: Foot vs. Nuts

We recently saved BBC’s David Attenborough’s ass. He was documenting how even a middle school girl can take out a bully with one swift (and well placed) kick and got caught in the fray.


The Flaming Deuce

The key to surviving bullies during your first week back at school is to stage a PREEMPTIVE attack—hence, the Flaming Deuce. Don’t wait! Bag it up, ladies and gentlemen, and watch your oppressors stumble into your trap.

*Note: At The Art of Beating Up Bad Guys we believe in staying green. The Flaming Deuce is a 100% organic and decomposable revenge tool.


Let Your Balls Chime In

About 49 Million people need to watch this video (including Thailand) because of the rampant cell phone curling epidemic. -Mads


Real Mamas Always Trust Tide

This video needs no explanation and pretty much says what the Art of Beating Up Bad Guys is all about. Special thanks to César Vilobos for getting up in the dryer. ¡Muchas gracias, amigo!  - Ninja Pat


Wolflike Stare

Ok, let’s just set the record straight, because there is some confusion out there in terms of how people watch this piece of cinema. This video is purely instructional. There is nothing “funny” about it. At all. -Mads


Talkin’ Roadhouse

Mads and I wrote the lyrics to this tune on a box of Ho Hos. It’s a tribute to the greatest movie of all time—Patrick Swayze’s ROADHOUSE. I just flipped on the webcam and recorded a take, no practice, no prep, and had no idea Mads would put this online or that my sister was on the warpath. Hope you guys enjoy. -Subway Mike.


Runch Rine

Here’s an instructional video we recorded for Burbville Public TV as part of my community service for an incident my parents’ lawyer says not to talk about. The video stars our middle school janitor Harvey Chun as Sun Tzu and there’s a pretty cool cameo from Tyreece Brown, one of our lunch monitors who’s playing a lunch lady in this video. Kudos to Chris Wu for the awesome roundhouse kick. -Mads